From August 21–29 I, along with a group of ten others, began our Vision Quest (VQ) here at MAPLE Monastic Academy. The VQ was guided by Darren Silver. Darren has been guiding VQs here at MAPLE for the past eight years. It has become something that many residents at the monastery look forward to each summer. This article is part of a series. Here is the link to the entire series.
The poet inside me was very excited for the Vision Quest. For the first two days that I was fasting alone in the woods not one poem came to me. Nor, did I force the situation, and try to write a poem. On day three, the levies broke, and poems poured out of me. After writing one, the next one came, and the next one and so on. My encounters became poems. As did my longings, my desperation, my aspirations. Below are a few of the poems that came, most of which were written on day three of the solo quest.
This poem came after an extended period of rage. I was smashing dead trees into other dead trees. I was screaming uncontrollably and releasing the rage that was pent up inside me, the rage that rested beneath the surface. When I was breaking dead trees in rage I saw a snake. The snake looked up at me and brought me to my knees. The snake quietly, and slowly, slithered away as the dead tree I was about the smashed fell from my unclenched fists.
During the quest there was a lot of time for reflection and healing. Many of the rituals that I did included me going back to the dark periods in my past. In contrast with the mindfulness practices that I often use at the monastery, during the quest I let everything come. It was part of the work. There was an instance where I was implicitly judging myself for the lack of discipline, until I reminded myself, that this outpouring of thoughts, and re-living the past, was part of the process. In many ways these dark periods that I was re-visiting are still a part of me, they still impact the way I think and act. These ritual acts of processing were dedicated to healing and purification.
During the quest I saw at least one distinct critter each day. Darren said that when you see animals on the quest it is not the same as seeing animals any other day. The animals, and when they appear, are a message. The chipmunk in this poem came when I was feeling lonely. The chipmunk came when I needed someone to talk to. This chipmunk compassionately listened and revealed my flaws. One of the first things I said to Darren after returning from my solo was ‘I fell in Love with a chipmunk’.
The days were long on the quest. On some days the nights were even longer. There were some nights where I was extremely agitated and uncomfortable to the extent that I became desperate and acted from that state without thinking, simply doing what I needed to do. Often, I thought of time when my mind was distracted. When I was present and at peace the days simply passed. The sun set and the moon rose. Each action and activity simply led to the next one. It was very interested how the state of my mind impacted my perception.
When I came back to basecamp after my solo I described my time as a rollercoaster. I reached many extremes. Sometimes one right after another. It was a time of complete aliveness. Everything was felt fully. I realized how small I really was in comparison to the other beings in nature. I realized how much that I did not know, how flawed I was. Many of my actions, were acts of desperation. Many of my prayers, prayers of desperation.
There is much beyond what I can percieve. There is a Hunger to continue the exploration. A Hunger to sustain these glimpses. There is a healthy Hunger for more.
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Dan Rudolph is currently a resident at MAPLE Monastic Academy. You can get in touch and/or learn more about his professional background here.
